Can we talk about how sexism is magnified in pregnancy for a minute?

I have been looking for ways to announce that we're pregnant when that time comes. In doing so I have found that the shitty parts of being a woman are magnified during pregnancy. Oh, Ashley, you're being a feminist kill-joy again. Probably, but for good reason. Let's take a look:

"Oh no! I'm going to get F-A-T. That's just the worst thing in the world. Fat is awful, horrible, the worst thing I can be." Sure, it's cute and clever, but the underlying joke is that the mom-to-be is internalizing fat-phobia and the joke is that she doesn't want to weather the valley of shadows of being fat alone. Pretty shitty when you break it down.

Here is one that is more subtle. The woman is glad she FINALLY gets to eat! Oh joy! To finally have an excuse to satisfy my shameful desires! I can eat without shame! Again, man gets to have beer belly to not leave pregnant wife alone in the slums of fat city. 

Again, riff on the theme of "Woman released from the bondage of shame around desire in b-fat" I mean b-flat. New shitty theme, terrified dad. You know, because men are incompetent and incapable of nurturing small humans.

Again, men are the worst. How is this poor lady going to parent her partner AND her child? Cue laugh track.

I don't get the humor here. I mean, I get it:"Having kids is awful. What have I done?" But, why is what funny? You know condoms are a thing right?

Men r dum, am I right? 

Seriously, is a non-supportive spouse really adorable? 

I mean, should I really be surprised that yucky sexism sneaks into every crevice in our lives? Or that one of the most gendered occasions should be rife with it? Likely not, but I am still irked. I think the worst part of it is that it is so internalized, it's cute and funny, and we're not aware of how damaging these ideas are to ourselves and the small people we're raising.

Let's unpack the fat-phobic thing. Women, from obnoxiously early ages are taught to deny and control themselves. We're not supposed to speak up for fear of being called bossy, we're not to eat too much to watch our girlish figures, we shouldn't drink too much/walk alone at night/dress too slutty so we don't get raped, we're taught to dress modestly in school to protect our virgin purity and not distract the boys, we're taught to achieve a thigh gap is a measure of worth- that our thinness is an inverse to our value, we want "just salads" at restaurants "just" and "salad" being a double negation of desire, we're supposed to let boys make the first move- say "I love you" first- propose first. I could go on, but you get the point. If you're a woman, you know exactly what I am talking about. 

In pregnancy this seems to manifest in fat-phobia and the bizarre dance around your growing body and claiming self worth. So, now you can eat! You have an excuse! It's ok to get fat, you're pregnant! Suddenly, you are given PERMISSION to allow yourself to express your desires around food. But, hubby needs to eat too! You're both going to get fat! It's ok, you'll go lose the baby weight immediately and wear one of those horrible postpartum girdles that tightens your belly and hides all of your pregnant gastronomical indiscretions. 

How awful and toxic is this message? Why is it a celebration that you can eat? You should always be eating, you are human and need food! You are a human person full of passion and desire, why should you have to mute that because you were born female? Also, fat isn't the end of the world. Fat is an adjective. I am fat. I am also a wife, baker, pet owner, gardner/farmer, college grad, artist, gender queer, human. Fat is part of me. Fat doesn't make all of those other things less. It doesn't make me any less-than. Fat helps your baby grow and develop. Also, having a fat lower half makes smarter babies. So....settle down.

The other thing that bothers me is that NONE of this stuff that these women are eating is remotely good for them or their baby. They've denied themselves "treats" like these for so long, that's all they're excited to eat. In early pregnancy, many of baby's vital organs are one cell, if you are exposed to toxins or stress while they're forming, you could cause an abnormality. Not to be another voice of shame for eating for women, and not to say cake and chips is going to cause your kids heart to explode, but this denial/binge cycle is another impediment to maintaining healthy eating patterns to promote healthy development. I mean, eat cake for breakfast, but get good protein and greens for dinner and snack on nuts, seeds, fruits and veggies all day. Or, aim for 6 really good meals a week, and be easy on yourself. You know, normal healthy eating with snacks in moderation? 

Let's talk about the icky sexism towards men. Men are not awful, incompetent creatures. These jokes are damaging to encourage that idea. If your partner isn't on board with a pregnancy, it isn't funny, it's a problem. If you're not in a place to get pregnant, you should be taking precautions. (I realize this is not possible for all people, but I don't think that those without options are the ones pictured above making fun of how awful it is to be pregnant or have more kids). 

Dads are not "baby sitters". They are your partner, the other parent. Men are capable of nurturing, staying at home to care for children, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry....I promise, I have seen it! It isn't funny to say otherwise. 

These themes of sexism don't end there. As a pregnant person, you're not supposed to watch upsetting things. In the bible there is a story about a dude with only striped goats given to him by someone who said, "mine are solid colored, yours are striped, I'll know you stole if I find solid ones in your herd". So dude man peels bark off trees around goats, knowing that they'll see the stripes while mating and make striped babies. So, basically my baby is going to come out either like Kimmie Schmidt or Jake or Finn. I'm rooting for Jake. Magical dog baby would be cool. 

Personally, I am pretty stoked to shake things up just by being two female presenting people having a baby. So many of these announcements are meant for straight couples with both partners present. If you google "gay/lesbian/queer pregnancy announcement" there just isn't a lot. There isn't much out there either for women who have chosen to raise a baby alone. So, we're brainstorming something to rock a few boats. 

I mean "First, girlfriends, then donut married at Voodoo Donuts because marriage wasn't legal, then elopement while the supreme court decided our human rights, then baby via donor = mommy and mommy." I don't know, that seems pretty catchy!

 People always accuse queer couples of trying to rip the  fabric of society apart, and I usually argue pointing to our totally heteronormative republican wet-dream of a life (I mean, except us being two ladies) and how queer people are totally just people...buut if the fabric you're talking about is woven out of jokes and messages in the birth announcements above: I'm getting the scissors.

There are plenty of cute announcements out there. When the time comes, we'll do something cute. It'll be clever, queer, cute, and if it's funny, the joke won't be rooted in sexism.