As a normal hetero couple, doctors recommend that you get a check up a few months before trying to conceive. I don't think many people do this unless they have reason to believe they might have trouble conceiving. From what I have read, they usually show up after six months of trying with no luck.
We knew we didn't have that luxury. We wanted to make sure from the get go that things were ok, and we wouldn't be wasting our time, a sperm donor's time or time driving to a sperm bank, tons of money, emotional energy. We couldn't just have more sex and hope for the best. We just weren't going to get to make our baby out of our natural way of expressing love. It was going to be MEDICALIZED.
We went for a check up and got some labs done. Going back in, I was told I had great blood pressure, great cholesterol, a great heart beat and I was basically in great shape. BUT, I had some elevated testosterone levels. This coupled with my ability to grow a mustache any 13 year old boy would be proud of (and my chest hair, and chin hair...), my abnormal periods, and my high A1C score, I likely had Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. (PCOS) I should go get an ultrasound. I also was given some thyroid medication because my thyroid is lazy.
Getting a transvaginal ultrasound is the WORST. It's a giant 10" long like 2" around ultrasonic dildo. I cannot believe someone wanted to make this mandatory for women seeking abortion. Could you imagine someone having been raped, gotten pregnant, than been given this kind of ultrasound? How violating! Awful, awful experience, but Tarra was there with me. The good news is that I don't have cysts on my ovaries. The mixed news was either that meant I was ovulating normally, or not at all.
See, PCOS is a malfunctioning of the whole hormonal system. You might experience all of the symptoms, or only a few. You might have abnormal periods, acne, extra hair where most ladies don't have hair, dark spots where your skin touches, you might have ovarian cysts, your body might not respond to insulin making weight loss and normal dietary life just so difficult, you might ovulate normally, or not at all, and all this hormonal back and forth might make you moody and depressed.
This diagnosis of infertility didn't mean I couldn't get pregnant. It just meant that in addition to things being more complicated as two ladies trying to have a baby, we were going to have to manage this thing too. There are no "cures" for PCOS. It's not really a specific thing that anyone understands enough to "fix". You can just manage symptoms. For me, weight loss seemed the best course. It would help regulate my menstrual cycle and bring down my blood sugars. "just try to lose 15% of your body weight over the next few months". Cool, so lose 35 pounds. Not like that's something my body makes nearly impossible. Ok, fine I really want to have a baby, let's try.
So, we started eating a low Glycemic Index diet. This means nearly no carbs. The only carbs allowed are fruits and a half a cup of whole grains a few times a day. I basically was a meat and veggie monster. We started training for a half marathon too because running seems the only way my body ever wants to lose weight. We did this for three months and retested my A1C (this tests the percentage of blood is covered in sugar, each blood cell lives about three months so this gives doctors a glimpse into what your sugars have been like over that time). It tested initially at 5.7. Mother fucker it was 5.7 again and I had lived without bread and potatoes for three months. I was angry. I was sad. I felt really helpless.
We kept dieting, kept exercising, but also kept trying to live our lives. We were both turning 30 soon, the holidays were coming, and just life was happening. We tried to strike a balance. I am actually going in again soon to retest. Hopefully it's better.
We have also been trying to manage stress. Infertility has been found to cause as much stress as cancer, aids, and other life threatening illnesses. Also, stress has been found to cause/aggravate infertility. It has been hard. This was so much, all at once. We have decided to see a counsellor, which has been revelatory for us. We're both working through family stuff, and working through our own issues. It's been really wonderful to have Michelle with us through all these changes. I used to be afraid of counseling, thinking that I would dive into my well of sadness and fall apart, becoming totally unable to function. While we are dredging some old stuff up, and days can be hard after, I really think it's cathartic, and I am so glad we're going.
Our OBGYN referred us to a fertility clinic. We spoke to them initially thinking, "Well, I'm having fertility challenges, we should really do everything we can to increase our chances of conception so this doesn't drag on forever." In looking into this, they informed us it would be $1,500 per month for inseminations, $700 per vile of sperm (which isn't even a whole ejaculate btw, they split a donation up to five times and charge you per vile). We cringed but thought it was the only way. Fine, we'll get a loan. We've been working on our credit, we can finance this queer baby. We started on the intake paper work, getting our medical records released to them, and setting up an appointment. They started walking us through what would happen.
"Ok, so you'll come in, do a physical exam, a transvaginal ultrasound, and we'll show you our sperm donor options, etc". I had stopped listening because I was ready to interrupt, "I just had an ultrasound done last month. I don't really need another." "Ok I hear that but it'd just procedure." "Ma'am I know it's procedure but that's an invasive procedure and I had one done just last month." "Ok, well you can talk to the doctor, but he'd likely going to do it anyway."
I mean what the ever living fuck. Was my uterus going to transform into a guerilla and try to kill them before insemination? Why do they NEED to do it again? I was so frustrated that I had no choice about who and what was going to be in my body and how much I was going to pay them to violate me. I know this whole process is going to involve so many people putting things inside me, I get that it's part of the deal of being gay and getting pregnant. Fine. But, I really wanted to be in charge of that. I really, really believe in consent.
I started talking to my friend who was a Doula. She was outraged by the whole thing which was validating. She was sad they tried to scare me with the infertility and worked with me to create a better plan to regulate my cycles and manage sugars. She referred me to a midwife who was going to be able to work with my through the whole process for less than it was going to cost for one month at the fertility center. Also, if you ever need help with anything birth related in the Sacramento area, Madeline Shernock of Welcome Home Doula Services. They're an amazing non-profit that supply birth support to a great number of underserved people. They always need your support if you are feeling generous.
Talking to our midwife was a revelation. She was so calm, reassuring, and helpful and completely understood our need for consent. She talked about it before we did! She had just gotten her soon to be wife pregnant and had helped women get pregnant and give birth for well over a decade. We felt so blessed to have found her. She answers every question we have with more information that we thought we needed and is so helpful keeping us on track and suggesting ways to make things easier. Where we felt hopeless, trapped, and without option than to spend $2,000+ per month to go to a shitty place to be treated shittily and inseminated before- we feel supported, calm, with options, in control of an at home insemination with a good friend as a donor.
Anyway, I think the moral here is: everything is going to be ok, counseling is the best, consent is super important, Midwives and Doulas are super heroes, and being in control of your life, body, and family is the only way I want to bring a child into my family. If it can't be through our natural expression of love, then we'll make babies out of good intentions, respect, consent, running, eating well, self care, and our love for each other.
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