On Micro-aggressions

An ad for a pre-conception workshop popped up on my Facebook page today. It seemed fun. There is brunch, yoga, education, and even a "stylist". I mean it's practically middle class, WASPY heaven, right? It irked me initially that there was this stylist person. So, there is going to be fat shaming disguised as "dressing for your new shape". You know how you dress for your shape? Have arms-check: buy a garment that has arm holes. Have a big belly-check: find some sewn together fabric that you can either squeeze or drape over your body in a way that feels comfortable. BAM! You're not breaking any nudity laws- great job! Anyway, I shoved that aside as my negative feminist voice that makes most public outings hard because sexism is EVERYWHERE and I feel compelled to audibly comment. I went to the event page and noted this interesting language: "Girlfriends, sisters, or moms are welcome".


Notice what's missing? Maybe you don't, but if you're a queer married person you do. WIFE. Wife is the word missing. It is who I would bring to this event with me. I married her three years ago. She goes everywhere with me, you know, like a spouse. As in, while she is not the birthing parent this time, she will become a mother to our child. So, why does this matter? Here is my comment I left on their Facebook page:

 I noticed on your webpage for this event that "Girlfriends, sisters, or moms are welcome" what about my wife? She IS my WIFE, not my girlfriend. It's hard enough as a queer person trying to conceive without being openly excluded. In omitting this language you're de-legitimizing our family structure and ignoring our presence in this community. I'm not understanding how that falls under your name, "dignity". Please reconsider this in future advertisements.

So, let's unpack that. To be clear, this is a micro-aggression. They're not openly saying, "dykes stay away!". But we're clearly not INcluded either. That means the default assumption is that women coming are heterosexual and they are going to bring girls who are friends, sisters, or their own mothers. Not ladies married to ladies trying to make a baby. Certainly not gender non-conforming queers that we are trying to have a baby. I mean talk about busting their little heteronormative bubble.

Let's sidetrack for a minute and talk about why men aren't invited. Why wouldn't we include your male partner, a good brother, or your father? What if your dad was a single parent who raised you, or your brother/best friend is the only person you know as family.  Why is pregnancy a woman's burden? Ah, there's that voice that  doesn't allow me to be in public screaming, SEXISM!

So, it's a micro-aggression Ashley, they're a Catholic hospital, why is it so important to be included? Because I want my family to be accepted for what it is going to be, totally normal. We'l be nervous as new parents, we'll decorate a nursery, think about moving to the best school district, think about homeschooling, worry about what the kid is eating, go on picnics and family vacations, argue about screen time, dread the birthday invitation to Chuck-E-Cheese's, and tuck our kids in at night. That's our gay agenda. There's no secret. We want to be normal. We want a seat at the table. We want our voice heard. We want solutions to our unique problems without having to first assert that we're even worthy of all the same basic rights as a couple who fell in love with what society deemed the "opposite sex".

I want everyone to know we're normal, and even probably boring. That's part of the motivation for this whole blog. Yes, we have unique concerns, but they're not so unique that we can't be included in your fancy white lady yoga, brunch, make-over party.

Maybe we'll go for the free brunch. Flaunt our perfectly normal selves.

*UPDATE: My initial Face Book post has mysteriously disappeared with no notification as has their post on their page about this event where I commented. I think that's moving us into actual aggressive territory. At least the bear I poked retreated with the stick I poked it with instead of mauling me?