Part of last Sunday's meeting with the midwife was an Arvigo Massage session. I didn't know much about the whole history and culture of the massage, just that it could help regulate my cycles and has drastically helped people conceive after a few sessions. Before the massage, our midwife explained that a uterus is suspended by many ligaments that move and stretch as your internal organs (intestines, bladder, stomach mostly) move, bloat, fill, and empty. This can stretch the ligaments out of proper shape, much like if someone let go of one of the ropes on a snoopy balloon at a parade, our uterus can go catawompus inhibiting proper elimination of the uterine lining during menses and conception. So, I figured, hey great, let's put it back where it goes!
The massage itself was I'm sure wonderful for most people. I'm just not most people. I am not super comfortable with strangers touching me. For me, massage makes me more tense. I don't know if it's a social phobia thing, a discomfort with my body, shame around my enormous breasts and lower belly fold (and every other lump and bump I a fat person owns), maybe it's related to the lack of nurturing touch I had as a child, negative touch experienced as a child, maybe it's this disconnect I've developed from my body, maybe it's the disconnection I've developed by edging around this enormous well of sadness I refuse to feel that seems to also disconnect me from truly feeling happy... who knows. Likely all of it.
I want to heal. Even if it means confronting my insecurity, diving into that well of sadness and doing battle with my inner demons, and coming out a more connected human. I am willing, I think.
We moved the living room table and rug and our midwife set up her massage table. She was extremely careful in allowing me to remain as clothed as I wanted and working around any and every concern I had and walked me through every step so that I could say yes or no to anything. She emphasized several times that I could say "no" at any time and that would be fine. With her in another room I undressed and climbed onto the table. Our dog was really confused and kept trying to lay on the table with me. Honestly, it was nice to comfort him, telling him everything was ok. I think sometimes he is my anxiety spirit animal.
The massage itself was pretty unremarkable. There was a lot of abdominal work, which is something I hadn't experienced, but mostly we talked about things both baby and non-baby related and I went to my remote detached place that I frequent when getting a tattoo, having a medical procedure done, or when visiting home. It's kind of like a lucid disassociation. It ended, and we said goodbye to our midwife, put the living room table back, and went about our day.
I often have a background buzzing of anxiety. It bubbles up into a panic attack at the slightest provocation: door bell ringing, people outside my door that might ring my doorbell, an unknown number calling or texting, mingling at parties, asking for something from a stranger, going outside just because I might like to, sitting outside alone, being criticized, and generally any time I am in an unscripted, unorganized social situation. I AM fine leading meetings, being in charge, telling a story in a large crowd, reaching out to people for donations of time or money and the like. So my anxiety seems to circle around control and is triggered when I feel vulnerable.
Like I've mentioned before I also have PTSD. My triggers are: large, aggressive men, men yelling, people angry with me, physical violence (like slamming a drawer in anger), anything on TV or in movies about abuse or addiction (Riding in Cars with Boys ruined me for days), people on drugs near me, and many, many others. Sometimes I don't even need a trigger for night terrors, those reoccurring dreams come and go torturing me with being trapped back at home, impotent rage dreams where I can't seem to scream/they don't understand me/I'm invisible/I can't hit someone hard enough, sci-fi fantasies where I am some lower class enslaved being trying to escape, monster chase dreams, travel dreams where I never get to go outside/on a ride/reach the destination. These aren't just regular bad dreams, they're like giant emotional shit storm whisks dredging emotional sludge from the depths and ruining several days. So, I've got baggage.
Why I share this is to give context to what came next: to tell you I don't understand, but it's not surprising. I had a several hour panic attack following the massage. We have been binge watching Nurse Jackie which is wrought with triggers (family trouble, drug abuse, someone numbing emotions) but it is suuuuch a good show! I hadn't been triggered majorly with it, and I don't think it was the cause for this particular attack. But, I just couldn't shake this anxiety. I had at least two hours of it while we were watching the show. It feels like when you skip class, forgot your homework, broke your mom's favorite vase, got caught stealing, and that fear/dread/shame cocktail that makes your bones ache. It's not a noticeable thing for me: I have these all the time and no one is the wiser. I'm pretty good at burying my emotions, not showing weakness was a skill that kept you safe in my childhood home. I usually let them pass, but this one was just too much. I laid down next to Tarra and just cried and cried. Just silent tears of a tired sadness next to my wife until she went to bed.
I wish I could tell you why.
I have also been having trouble sleeping lately, so that I stayed up long after Tarra started snoring (cutely) is not surprising. I have spent that time reading in the bath (this Mary Russel series is the best!), writing, and trying to be productive and manage this self-care thing people keep telling me is so important for me right now. But, that night I thought of something I hadn't thought of maybe since it happened. I tossed and turned for hours trying to shake the thoughts off.
As I think many people with PTSD, I have persistent thoughts of past trauma. Like a broken movie reel I replay events in my head, rehashing bad conversations, difficult situations, old wounds like I'm trying to explain them to myself, crafting a narrative. Fighting it seems to make it worse, and changing thoughts seems impossible. But, they're usually thoughts I'm familiar with, things I've gone over a million times. This set of events was something I had buried, coated in shame, deep and away.
I have been abandoned a lot in my life: by my family, by people I grew close to and thought of as family, and by important people like school councilors and police officers. These people were supposed to protect me, look out for my best interest, nurture, me and guide me through the world towards success and growth. I was abandoned and betrayed by them instead. So, I guess we can call this another trigger.
I ran away from home a lot after I turned 16. I spent a lot of nights moving house to house as people got tired of me or their parents found out I was staying there and kicked me out. I spent a lot of really uneasy nights with creepy people. I also spent a lot of nights on the street, hungry, cold, and really, really afraid. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I tossed in bed remembering each person's face and how they had let me down when they should have cared for me and didn't. I just couldn't shake it.
I don't think I have a good answer why then. What triggered it. Do I keep my soul in my stomach? The Mayan tradition Arvigo comes from believes we store emotion here and that emotional pain and physical pain are inseparable. Many Chakras live in your abdomen and can be blocked with negative energy and released through various treatments. Acupuncture works on different areas of chi (life energy) in the body to reduce physical and emotional discomfort. So maybe this body work unblocked some buried hurt. Maybe I keep my soul in my stomach and like a tired, sore knot in a muscle, the massage moved blood to that area, carrying that stuck emotion into the rest of my body to be filtered and removed.
If ancient tradition isn't your style, read these:
NY Times: Can The Bacteria In Your Gut Explain Your Mood
NPR: Gut Bacteria Might Guide The Workings Of Our Minds
American Psychological Association (APA): That Gut Feeling
Psychology Today: Emotional and Physical Pain Activate Similar Brain Regions; Where do emotions hurt in the body
So, I don't know. Do we keep our "soul" in our stomach? Is our soul made out of bacteria? Is this just hard, explainable science, or is there some touchy-feely existential stuff? I think it doesn't matter right now for me, something got unstuck and flooded me with things I thought I had hid away.
I've been working in counseling to not run from emotion, but to feel it. My councilor tells me it would be better for me to cry more. I'm pretty terrified of that giant well of emotion, but I think I've become more afraid of living outside of emotion all together. I really miss joy. I'm really afraid of what else I have hidden, waiting to come tearing into my life.
I don't know how I thought I was going to become a mother without dealing with my own "mommy issues". I don't think I considered it really. Maybe this flashback was triggered by massage, maybe it was just the pressure of the oncoming insemination that we've been working 7 months towards. I don't know. Whatever brought it, it's here and I need to deal with it. Maybe just one foot at a time, letting myself acclimate to the cold shock of raw emotion before I plug my nose and jump in, unarmed and vulnerable, but ready to do battle with some old demons.
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